Breakdown
by CanadianFreakshow
Summary: In which GB has a breakdown and Chang helps him through it. Warnings for: Implied/Referenced Alcoholism, a non-descriptive mention of a panic attack, and Self-hatred


Chang wasn't sure what had woken him up from his slumber, but there was a feeling at the pit of his stomach and he was unsure if it was just him being hungry, or if there was something wrong. On nights like this, he would get up and check around the house. Sometimes he found his gut feeling was right. Others, he just grabbed a snack and went back to sleep.

Unfortunately it was the former kind of night.

The second he exited his bedroom, he could hear deep gasping sobs that were obviously trying to be muffled. It sent cold chills down his spine and worry to overtake his thoughts. He followed the noise until he found the source of it, surprisingly, in the kitchen.

The room was dark, but Chang could easily tell that it was GB, sitting on floor against the locked wine cabinet. His knees were tucked to his chest, eyes squeezed shut looking as if he was in physical pain and telling by his shuddering gasps and clenched fists, Chang guessed that he probably was. Panic attacks were rough.

Chang felt himself slip into his protective mode, cautiously making his way over to the shaking man. It was always a very delicate situation when GB had an attack. Especially when it's the middle of the night.

"GB?" Chang calmly said when he was close enough to be seen by the other man, "It's Chang, I'm coming to sit next to you okay?"

Chang slowly did as he said, taking his place on the ground next to the other man, making sure to separate himself by a few inches. He didn't want to get too close just in case. GB's breakdowns varied from time to time, most times he wanted to have physical reassurance but every once in awhile he wanted nothing less. It was a bit like playing Russian Roulette.

Before Chang could even begin to wonder how he would approach this delicate situation, it came clear that he wouldn't have to when GB suddenly wrapped his arms around Chang, sobbing into his shirt. The sight of someone he cared so much being this upset, well, it always broke his heart.

Chang wasn't sure what to do other than hold the other man tightly, comfortingly rub his back and help him remember how to breathe.

He wasn't sure how long they sat like that, but eventually, the grip around his neck loosened and GB removed himself from the other. Chang watched him, eyebrows furrowed in concern, but saying nothing, afraid of pushing the other man. GB was still shaking, his breath still coming in small gasps, but nonetheless much calmer than he was when Chang had first found him.

Sighing, GB leaned back against the cabinet and finally spoke. "I was trying to get into the wine cabinet. It didn't work, obviously. But I still tried."

Chang's heart stuttered in his chest as the gravity of that confession hit him. It was very obvious that GB had had a very bad breakdown even before Chang had arrived.

GB stared down at his hands, almost as if to avoid looking at Chang's face, as his body shook.

"Sometimes my failures and mistakes come crashing down on me so hard it feels like I can't breathe. Like I never knew _how_."

Chang hesitantly reached over to place one of his hands on GB's, trying to give him comfort. GB relaxed a slight bit before continuing.

"I know alcohol won't help. I learned that a long time ago. But… that doesn't make me want it any less, though… I feel so out of control, so full of self-hate for everything I am and everything I've ever done I just want to _hurt myself._ I know it's bad for me, that's why I _want to do it._ I want control over a reason I hurt."

Tears began to well up in GB's eyes once more and he clutched Chang's hand in his, as if attempting to gain strength from the other man.

"I never run out reasons to _hate myself._ It's an endless stream of ways that I'm _awful_ and _annoying_ and it never goes away no matter what I do. I just want it to _end."_

GB let out a small sob, shoulders quaking with grief.

"Why won't it ever end?"

GB's voice was small, almost a whisper, full of pain and vulnerability and Chang could no longer stand to sit there and hear this man that he loved so much, insult himself. He leaned into GB's side and sighed softly.

"You want to know what I think?"

GB said nothing, a sniffle being his only response. Naturally Chang took this as an invitation to continue.

"I think you're very strong for getting this far. It takes a lot of strength to get through some of the things you've experienced and come out alive. You're breaking your record for most days alive as we speak. I think that in itself is an accomplishment."

Chang clutched GB's hand a bit tighter as he spoke trying to offer more physical reassurance.

"I know that you're hurting and you're lost and you don't know what to do with what you feel. But you don't have to do this alone okay? You have so many people who care about you and don't care about your mistakes.

As for annoying? I think on some level you can be a pain in the butt for everyone, but not in a bad way. We all want you here. We all care. Not to mention that, If you were gone GB I…," Chang took a deep shuddering breath, "I'd be _destroyed_."

GB stiffened slightly as Chang spoke, eventually his shoulders drooping in exhaustion and defeat by the end. He tipped his head to lean on Chang's, his body sagging against him.

"Would you really?" GB said quietly, definitely unsure.

"Of course I would! You mean more to me than anything in my life ever has. Except maybe cooking. I do really love cooking."

GB choked out a cough that sounded almost like awkward laughter.

"But the fact of the matter is still that losing you is so… _unthinkable_ that considering it - even for a second - makes my heart hurt."

GB let out a snort and elbowed Chang in the side playfully.

"Aw stop it ya sappy nerd."

Chang made a noise that was akin to a squawk of protest, huffing in mock annoyance.

"Call me what you want, it doesn't make it any less true."

GB didn't say anything for a few more moments before speaking again. "Thanks. You always know what to say to make me feel better."

Chang hummed softly in acknowledgement. "Any time."

"Hey… can you stay with me for the rest of the night? I mean, it's fine if you don't want to but… I don't really trust myself to be alone right now."

Instead of saying anything, Chang simply nodded and they sat there in a comfortable silence for a long while. Before either of them knew it, they were nodding off to sleep.

In the morning they would be found by a smiling Francoise, who upon seeing the two slumbering happily against each other, opted to make the coffee later.


End file.
